The Power of a Book ... or The Vagaries if the Mind

I started reading a book the other night and was surprised by the "icky" feelings that began whirling around in my head.  Put the book down and thought I'd go back to it the next day.  But when I started reading it again, even though I was enjoying the story, I had those same negative feelings rising up.  Eventually I put the book down and decided not to finish it.

In itself, it was a good story ... a woman commits suicide, but her friends are convinced that it wasn't any voluntary suicide -- something had to have happened in a very short space of time to drive the victim to her own demise.  What bothered me really about this story was that the focus was on overweight women -- the victim, the friends, even the perpetrator!  This group of women had come together to find support for one another as plus-sized women who seemed to be encouraging each other in their plus-sized lifestyle. For example, meeting up in the grocery store, one friend had a "bad" date the night before, and the friend added a cheesecake to the already high fat/carb basket, essentially saying "more food will cure this".

As a current overweight woman, working hard and taking drastic measures (my recent surgery) to get out of the plus range, this idea of encouraging friends to fatness just really sat wrong with me.  But then the lil negative imp that sits on my shoulder started asking me why I was so intent to stop being fat and eating better and having a healthier lifestyle.  I spent a few days dwelling on these thoughts, thinking about how my own prejudice  might affect others.  Or even why I couldn't accept myself as a fat woman.  This thought really sent me into a tailspin as I reflected on my lifetime hearing my father's voice warning me that I'd get fat, or hearing aunts worrying about their children and focused on their weight.  All in all it was a depressing week of fretting about my weight.

But today I'm sitting in the sunshine on a lovely spring day and I know that whatever has driven me to work towards returning to my former thinner self, it is right thing to do.  I feel better, physically and mentally.  I know that I have a long way to go, but I'm also confident that I will get there.  If my reasons include not wanting to be fat, that's ok, too!  I want to feel good about myself, not join a support group for people who want to stay fat ... they can make that choice, too.  I don't think about or care about other's weight -- I only know what makes me feel better about me ... and losing weight is making me feel GREAT.  It's a personal journey, not a judgment or reflection on others.

But I don't think I'll ever read that book again!